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HOW TO DROP OUT OF FUTO EFFECTIVELY~Victor Ihuka


The university is a tough place. Trust me. It comes with a freedom that is unequaled by any other. There are two ways to that: The good part is: you can while away your time in FUTO, last last, your parents will sell a piece of land and get you a wife. The bad part is that you can make proper plans for your future before graduation.
To help you with the good part, here are some ways you can drop out of school and still become a billionaire(if you wish). The best part about dropping out of school is that it decreases your chances of getting a job by 90. Wonderful.
I. Do not be prepared for Lectures:
Attending lecture is the most unexciting activity in the entire world. In fact, the president of one big African country is good example of how successful one can be in life without a university certificate. So why bother with lectures.
It can be underwhelming to come to class and be able to complete notes. You know, some of these lecturers talk fast, some mumble ( or get off topic). So it's best not to look at the course outline and find out what the lecturer is lecturing on that particular day, and take notes prior to the class.
II. Social Media is key:
Do not limit yourself on social media. Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat, Instagram and other Internet sites are the real deal. We look forward to seeing those 'When-the-lecture-is-on-point' pictures and posts and hashtags. We seriously do. Do not concentrate on your lectures first. Maybe if you have free time, study. You are in university (Mahadum), so you should Mara ha dum.
III. Assignments Suck:
Do not submit assignments. This is very important to dropping out of school and making it big. When a lecturer gives assignments( they give a lot of them, remember), do not mind them at all. If you feel like stressing yourself a little, just submit an empty sheet. Miracles still happen. Like the one you've heard about the sister that did same and the lecturer put two question marks (??) on the empty script, only to mistakenly (read miraculously) fill the score as 77. Isn't that a miracle?
IV. A friend with weed is a friend indeed:
Another good method is by smoking weed. A lot of other things, it helps you imagine how the world would be without school. You can add some Codeine or Tramadol for increased ability for wishful thinking. You know this one already so I'll just move to the next method.
V. Life's a gamble, don't stop gambling.
You know there's always this story about a friend of another, in another friend's department who won millions of naira on football betting(it doesn't matter the exact amount, just put any figure you wish). God works in mysterious ways, and who knows, you might just be the next jackpot winner. So keep betting. You can even get a sure game and stake your house-rent or school fees. God alone knows which hospital ward you'll end up in. Sont forget to remember me when you certainly do.
VI. If you want to apply the religious method, here's how:
You know Monday is Bible study and then Tuesday is counseling. Mid-week service holds every Wednesday, and Thursday is for evangelism. Don't forget Friday prayers- you know we wrestle not against flesh and blood. The sanctuary has to be put in order on Saturday, for service on Sunday. Pay your tithe when due. Don't bother reading at all. His grace is sufficient...especially in the exam hall.
VII. Perhaps you can't cope with those, here's something better:
You can lurk around the female hostels in the evening. You may even extend your tentacles to the other tertiary institutions around. Who knows, you might find your missing rib(s). If you can't afford Sunic Fast Food or Eismann Fries, taake her to the nearest Buka. Don't bother asking about her favorite food. You already know it's shawarma. Whatever happens after this point is all of your business and none of mine.
Better still,if you cannot afford the aforementioned method because of the either the cost or the responsibility, or both, here's a better way:
There's a place outside school (there's always such places outside schools) where your physical needs are met at your own expense. Such places abound around school. All you need do is put your eyes to the ground. There, you wouldn't need to send recharge cards or buy shawarma(s). What you pay is what you get. Did I say there's premium service too? -- Importation.
If after all these you are yet to decide which method best suits your poor soul, I'll maake a last ditch attempt to offer some more help:
You can employ the use of some amount of liquid mixed with a solid particle and help your ministry. If none of those is readily available, saliva is a worthy friend in such need.
Just like King Solomon said, whatever your (right or left) hand finds to do, do it diligently.
When you employ any or all of these methods, you wouldn't even realize when you would have dropped out of school effectively.
Spiritual || Circa '15

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